The biggest thing that's been on my mind lately has been my relationshipped friends, again. A few years ago (almost 3...oh dear), I wrote this post: http://mollmoll22.blogspot.com/2010/01/frustration.html. And then, when friends ultimately got their feelings hurt, I wrote this apology post: http://mollmoll22.blogspot.com/2010/01/apology.html. I am going to try my best NOT to offend most of my relationshipped friends with this one, but it's a part of my life that's becoming obvious again, and there are things that I need to work on in myself as well. So bear with me. And also, please comment back at me to give me constructive criticism. If you have seen these attributes in me, then tell me please. I want to change for the better. All in all though, I try very specifically not to exhibit behavior that I describe below.
The original post was written when I was a single person. And honestly, I think most of my sentiments came from jealousy and selfishness about not having someone to similarly spend all of my time with. "All of my friends spend ALL of their time with their boyfriends/girlfriends" I complained, assuming that at some point I would have an opportunity to spend all of my time with someone else. It was rather childish and mostly naive, but the point still remains: many people in relationships simply don't know how to (or don't CARE to) spend time with other people. And make their own decisions. They simply don't.
Today I am writing, not as a bitter single person whose friends all abandoned her for their significant others, but as a person in a rather happy (and I hope, healthy) relationship. And I agree, that it takes significant effort on the part of the relationshipped person to make time for the other people in their lives. Sure, you love him/her. That's great. And that means you want to spend all of your time with him/her. But that habit will do nothing but ENSURE that you will at some point have no other friends. That's just the way it is.
Let's start with an example scenario, one that I have experienced many many times from almost all of my friends in relationships at least once:
Me: Do you want to go see this chick-flick on Friday night?
Other person: I don't know. Let me check with Boo-boo bear (or whatever you call him/her).
Okay. Here's the deal. If, at this point, you haven't made plans with your significant other for Friday night, then you are well and free to do with it as you please (other than, you know, promiscuous sex with other people...that's still a no-no). Seeing a movie with your same-sexed friends is perfectly acceptable. And now that I am in a relationship, I know EXACTLY how the other conversation will go when you talk to your significant other the following day.
Other person: Hey, Molly invited me to go to the movies on Friday night. Do you think we will be doing anything else?
Significant other: Well, I was thinking we could do (insert typical date night here).
Other person: Okay, I'll tell Molly that we have plans and I can't go see the movie with her.
Here's the kicker: YOU DON'T HAVE PLANS. You made plans (sort of), AFTER she invited you to do something. You simply don't want to hang out with Molly and would rather hang out with boyfriend/girlfriend, simple as that.
Now, if I invite you to do something and you do, in fact, already have plans, that's fine. Say no. But tell me, "So-and-so and I are going to go help feed the hungry that night, I'm sorry. But can we do it another night?"
That sentence, above, tells me you care about me. You have actually already made plans, and you are trying to reschedule.
Or I guess a third option is that you really just don't want to see that movie. But tell me the truth...don't use your boyfriend as an excuse for not hanging out.
Also, it's okay to say the above sentence to your significant other. For example, say yes to my invite to the movie BEFORE TALKING TO HIM/HER (I know, crazy!!!). And then, later in the day when he suggests some romantic date night for the same time, simply ask him to move it to Saturday. It really is quite simple. He's not going to break up with you because you made other plans. And if he is, he's kind of a crappy boyfriend.
I have spent two years purposefully making sure that I am not the person in the first scenario. Now, I have done it (more in the beginnings of the relationship when things were new and exciting and I just wanted to see him ALL THE FREAKING TIME), but I don't make a habit of it. I understand that the natural instinct is to want to blow off all of your friends. I get it, I really really do...I have been/am there. And it takes CONSIDERABLE EFFORT not to do this. But if I matter to you, you should make time for me, too. Otherwise, you'll lose me.
I've been watching How I Met Your Mother a lot recently (Netflix...yay!). I was able to find a paraphrase of part of an episode that applies to this post. Sorry, I couldn't find the youtube equivalent. I will leave you with this scenario:
"As he's preparing to leave, Ted is so hopped up on Tantrum that he rips up a throw pillow on purpose, then shouts, "TANTRUM!" He then tells Barney how thrilled he is to have some alone time with Marshall, because Marshall and Lily have started morphing into a "we." Any question he asks Marshall (how are you doing; did you watch the game) gets a we answer -- even when Marshall's just back from the doctor. "We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem." We didn't need to know that there was one." (http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/how_i_met_your_mother/duel_citizenship_1.php?page=2)
As cute as Marshall and Lily are as a couple (and in the rest of the episodes, not that much like the above description), don't emulate the above scenario. Just don't. You're your own person. The two of you should complement each other, not BE each other. Make your own decisions, have your own hobbies/interests/friends. You can also do couply things and have couply friends, but variety is what makes life interesting and fun.
My favorite couples have been the ones that have included me in their lives. The ones where I can hang out with the two of them and not feel like a third wheel. The ones that spend time apart every once in awhile. The ones that make jokes and laugh with one another (and sometimes laugh AT one another). The ones who have differing interests and hobbies, and even different political views. Conversations with couples like that are varied and wonderful. And don't make me want to vomit when they get all mushy.
Like this couple:
The fact that I have pictures of you as a couple means you let me hang out with you. And we had enough fun to take pictures. So there. :-).
Is it a problem in myself, too? Sure. Why do the actions of my friends bother me so much? It's something I need to work on. Because I get downright ANGRY when I see this behavior in any of my friends. And I see it in SO MANY of my friends (thus, the post today). Is the fact that I get angry about this a testament to my character? Sure. I need to chill on this topic, I think. Deep breaths and prayer, to be sure. But poor treatment of people is something that always riles me up, and this type of behavior does affect those around you. So if you're one of these couples, start to think of how your actions are hurting others. And also tell me if I am being outright mean to you because of it. I should be nice, and I'm sorry.
Anyway, if you suspect that I am blowing you off just so I can have another few hours to hang out with the boyfriend I see every day anyway, or if I am morphing into a "we" instead of an "I", please tell me. And also slap me in the face. That is all.
