Beautiful Stranger

Last night I met somebody while waiting for the bus (mind you, I waited 35 minutes for this bus because my ballet audition ended at 9:55. The bus came at 9:51 and then again at 10:31. Whatever. It's my luck with the bus, I've gotten used to it.). He came up beside me and struck up a conversation. We didn't talk about anything in particular, but we got to know each other fairly well. At about the time his bus came (5 minutes before mine), he got up to leave. "I will see you around," he said.

Yeah, right. There are approximately 45,000 students at this college campus. We were sitting at a bus stop on a side of campus that I rarely visit waiting for two different buses that couldn't go in more opposite directions. He is a junior biology student and I am a grad student in mechanical engineering. Our paths will never cross again. And if they did, I wouldn't recognize him and he wouldn't recognize me. And we never even told each other our names.

The more people there are, the harder it is to meet people that won't later become strangers.

Maybe I'll make it my goal to meet a random person every day while waiting for the bus, and see how long it takes to see that person again. It would really be challenging.

Teachinc Assistant or Caged Bird?

As part of my grad school acceptance, I was offered something called a "teaching assistantship," which in general means I am working for Penn State as a teaching assistant (from here out I will use "TA" for short) in exchange for tuition and a little bit of money. It's a really good deal, I mean, you can't argue with the fact that Penn State isn't charging me to take their classes. But anyway, not the purpose of the story.

To me, a TA meant that I would be teaching classes, part time, while also grading some homework as I went through school this semester. I come to find out that Penn State rarely lets their engineering TAs teach classes. In fact, they discourage it, basically because they want to ensure that their students are getting the "best education," yada yada yada, something to that effect. I think also the freshman engineers take mostly math and physics classes, which are not covered by the engineering TAs but rather the math and physics TAs. This means I am NOT in fact teaching anybody anything, but instead I am forced to hold office hours 3 times a week (waiting for somebody to show up to ask me a question...like that's ever going to happen), and I will start grading their homework once it comes in (something I still haven't done yet because their first homework is due this Friday).

So here I sit. In my little lonely office room waiting for some student to come ask me a question about their homework. I am terrified for that moment, actually, because they will probably ask me a question that I can't answer. I mean, I just finished the class that I'm assigned to a year ago (this is a senior level class...), chances are they will start learning something I forgot. Yes, I could take this as a designated 2 hours to finish my homework. In the future, I will use this time to grade their homework. But right now it's lonely and annoying. Gah. And I'm not allowed to leave this room until my hours are over. At least I have a computer :-)

Silver and Gold

I saw three old friends tonight. It's so neat seeing people that you used to go to school with, but then didn't for a year, and now you do again. That sounds confusing, but anyway, it's awesome :-) I missed them.

There was also an abundance of people who outwardly sighed when they found out I was a mechanical engineer (there are actually liberal arts people here, and apparently they felt overwhelmed by the engineers tonight...haha). But I made a few new friends :-) And bonded with some old ones. Yay.

What it feels like

A friend of mine transferred to school here from Behrend two years ago and he said something that I was thinking of today.

"There are a million people here, but it feels like you're the only one." (unintentional paraphrasing and changing of vocabulary may be included in that quotation...)

So true. The tens of thousands of students here, to me, are just nameless faces. And I have friends here, it's not like I'm lonely or anything. I am glad I'm here and this is where I should be. But what he said is 100% true (my other two Behrend grad school transfers can attest to it as well). When I am in those crowds on the bus or walking to class, I don't feel like I'm surrounded by people, I feel like I'm the only person in that moment. Introducing myself seems meaningless because chances are that I'll never see that person again, and so the others remain strangers. In class it's different...I've come to learn those faces and put a few names to them. They seem like they're all nice and perhaps I'll get to know them. But otherwise, I might as well be the only person on campus.

On a similar note, I sat in on the class I'm TA-ing for yesterday (TA, I've learned, means "homework grader," not "teaching assistant," in case you were under the impression that I actually did something meaningful...haha). Now, I used to pride myself on being able to sit in a room with all boys and just me and not feel uncomfortable, or even notice for that matter. At Behrend it was constantly like that. But I'm starting to realize that the only reason I felt like that there is because I knew all the boys who were in my classes and in the computer labs with me. I was comfortable with them, I liked them. Yesterday I sat through a class that was 40 senior boys and me, and it was the most uncomfortable 50 minutes of my life. It wasn't like they did anything, I was just utterly aware of the fact that there wasn't another female in the room. Awkward.

I'll get used to it, and I am certain I'll start to like it here. :-) It's just slow to get used to.

Anyway, I have approximately 12 hours of homework left to do and a time frame of about 2 hours to finish it, so I should go work on that. I've procrastinated successfully for about an hour this morning. Anyone properly brushed up on their partial differentiation and chain rules? I'm not...time to pretend I know how to do math.

Old and new

This weekend, one of my best friends from freshman and sophomore years got married. It was a very good wedding. I got to see some old friends and make some new ones. And two people promised themselves to one another and to God. It was beautiful.

Tonight I spent some time with my neighbors. When I say neighbors, I mean the only neighbors I know of, which is the home of Nick and Chad, two of my close friends from Behrend. The three of us and their roommate cooked dinner and chatted. It's really good to have a small hint of familiarity within a campus of hugeness and intimidation. I am grateful for them. We even held hands around the dinner table and prayed, and then joked about being a family and getting a portrait to hang on the wall while wearing flannel.

I miss my Behrend family. But I'm glad I have a little piece of it here with me. And I'm excited about expanding my family as well :-)

We are...

Penn State. That cheer that brings us all together. That cheer that we yelled on the airplane on the way home from New Orleans. That cheer that is yelled hundreds of times in a football game. That cheer that they teach you on your first day of freshman orientation. It's a cheer of community, of togetherness, of feeling like we all are one. And yet so simple. WE ARE PENN STATE. I mean, who could misunderstand that?

The past couple days I haven't felt like that. I've felt like an outsider, an intruder. You see, the past 4 years I spent my time at Penn State Erie, The Behrend College (...such a long name. We called it Behrend), which, with its 4500 students is much smaller than the 40,000 student strong Pennsylvania State University located in State College PA. Behrend's campus was fill of scientists, engineers, business students, and occasionally a creative writing major or two ;-). We talked about physics, finance, and snowboarding. We walked to class through 3 feet of snow and we drove to downtown Erie or harborcreek or the beach when we wanted to do something off campus. We walked downhill to class and uphill back from class, and had to sprint when we had two classes back-to-back on opposite ends of campus. We knew which direction was north. We were only supplied that famous Penn State creamery ice cream once a year. And yet, we were happy. And we yelled that cheer with utmost pride.

I haven't even BEGUN to experience what truly is the stereotypical "Penn State" experience. But I have gotten a taste. I have spent over $200 on a bus pass and spent a hour walking around campus to get an ice cream cone. I am planning on getting lost tomorrow morning when I try to find the lab I visited today. I have been told to avoid shopping either downtown or at Wal-Mart starting on Friday and ending at the end of football season. I won't be able to park my car in the parking lot at my apartment complex after Saturday because they don't have enough spots (hopefully after they run the parking lottery, I'll be able to park SOMEWHERE). I am not planning on ever using my car past Saturday to go anywhere in town because I will probably have to park as far away as I live. It's all very different, and to me it doesn't feel like Penn State. Behrend feels like Penn State.

Two of my ex Behrend classmates are now my grad school classmates, and the 3 of us explored campus yesterday after our orientation. We spent an hour looking at the bus schedule, walked around campus to find the buildings with our classes, and decided we wanted ice cream so walked to the almost opposite corner of campus to get some. With our campus maps in hand and often making sharp turns and pointing, we were obviously outsiders. We came up with one word to describe how we felt about this campus: intimidating. We are small town college students in a big town college. But we are Penn State. Right?

We'll figure it out. It will just take some time. In the meantime, I am very glad I have Chad and Nick here with me so we can be outsiders together. :-)

I am also not looking forward to when the entire student body gets here this weekend. Oh my goodness. That's a LOT of people coming into town at the same time. Remind me not to leave my apartment.

My apartment in state college

is huge!! That is all :-)

Thoughts...

I can't sleep. This tends to happen consistently a few days after I come home and get 10+ hours of sleep a night for 4 days straight. At this point, I have slept approximately as much in the past 4 days as I normally would in an entire week. Therefore, my body is rejecting sleep at the moment.

Also, I am thinking of this:
It has been 2 years since I last danced. The longest consecutive period of time I have gone away from a dance class since I was 6 years old. I miss it, so much that I spent the day looking up dance studios/clubs in state college so that I might get back into the swing of dancing. At one point in my life I had dreams of becoming a professional ballerina. Granted, I see now that it wouldn't have happened for lots of reasons (I don't have quite those skills, or the commitment, or the willingness to move around and/or work as a bartender while looking for dancing jobs, I'd like to have the option of having children without jeopardizing my entire life, girls who are completely self-absorbed are really difficult for me to get along with, and I love greasy hamburgers and milkshakes too much). As much as I'd love to be the girl in the photo below, it just wasn't meant to be.

Engineering was the right choice. But quitting dance was the hardest thing ever. I still miss it. And I want to be able to dance a little bit while I'm a grad student. In high school I spent 20+ hours a week at that studio, while also being a full-time student and having a part-time job. In college I struggled sophomore year to spend 4 hours a week at the studio in the midst of my classes, and decided to stop there before my college classes got even harder and more demanding (it was more of a social struggle than a time commitment struggle...those girls did not respect me when I was barely at the studio the same way they did when I spent all of my time there, and they sure let me know it. It's funny how the same people will treat you completely differently in different scenarios). I think I am ready to start afresh this fall in a completely new setting. Plus, I need some way to stay in shape...I will be very close to that Penn State Creamery in about a week ;-).

A tribute...

...to summer friends. My summer in Indiana would have been uneventful without them. This is who they are. We all come from different schools, different places, and different backgrounds. It was a sweet combination.

Sarah (Carnegie Mellon) - My roomie and first new friend. She and I put together a calendar of awesome summer events our very first day together, and never stopped having fun the whole 9 weeks we lived together. I learned a lot about Judaism from her, and I hope I taught her a thing or two about Christianity as well. I think we were meant to be roomies this summer :-)Barbara (Ohio State) - Second roomie who brought with her two bunnies and a dog. The most responsible pet owner I know...waking up early before work to walk the dog and taking him to doggie daycare. She has a gentle spirit and is quite awesome. She's also a very great tour giver! Sarah (Brown) (again...we never did come up with a good way to distinguish between the Sarahs) - The only other female design intern in MidRange engineering. We talked a lot about our rounds failing and the awesomeness of FloWizard. She also rowed boats on a crew team for 4 years and biked across America. I wouldn't want to get on her bad side, she is very athletic and could easily take me down in a fight.

Graham (Rose-Hulman) - Loves Volkswagens and helped the Sarahs and I change our oil. His brother is going to be my classmate at Penn State next year. He was the only other native Pennsylvanian in our group (from York, PA), and he brought his sombrero with him whenever we went someplace new.

Arsalan (U-Illinios) - Incredibly passionate about everything he does. Loves to spark deep conversations about life, finance, service, and religion. He's also the reason we took approximately a million group pictures this summer.

Kyle (Michigan Tech) - Silent at first, but once he opens up he will love to talk to you about Minnesota, tractors, or do a dramatic reading of a book. I think he should become a professional comedian, he has so many hilarious things to say!Prosper (U-Penn) - Originally from Zimbabwe, studying abroad in America for his college years. He once accused us: "Do you think I like elephants because I'm African?" We had fun teaching him lots about American culture.Todd (Ohio State) - Or Jewish Todd, as I was introduced to him. He's an Ohio Stater and I try not to hold it against him. He loves barbecue, and his license plate says "Over EZ." Not to be confused with "ovaries." In the background of Todd's picture, you can also see evidence of Graham's sombrero. Good summer :-) Matt (RIT) - Has gone skydiving approximately a million times. He also jumped off the highest cliff when we went cliff jumping without hesitation. Intense. Unfortunately, this is the most intense picture I got. It truly was a memorable summer. There were also other friends who were less prevalent in my life this summer but also made it what it was. There was Rob H, who shared my table at work. Bobby, Brad, Ben, Bryan, Katey, Scott, Dan, and Jon, the HSO team I worked with all summer. There were Nate, Rob J, and Danny, the interns who shared my orientation week and numerous lunchtimes (Taco Salad Thursday!). Who would have thought that I could actually have fun in a little town in Indiana? It would have been impossible without these folks. I'll miss you, come visit me anytime.