Empathy

From Merriam-Webster dictionary:

em·pa·thy - the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this.

In the past two days, I have realized that I am an incredibly empathetic person (and always have been, just never realized it before).

A couple of nights ago, a friend told me a story of an illness of one of his family members. He had told me a brief piece of it in person, one-sentence style. In that one sentence, I could see hurt in his eyes, and he wouldn't go further into detail. Later on that day we were having a conversation via facebook chat, and he asked me to pray for his family member. He told me a few more details, and I had to leave the computer, splash water on my face, blow my nose, and come back in order to continue the conversation.

I was all but sobbing over the obvious pain this friend was going through. And I couldn't even see the expression on his face. It's not like he even told me what he was feeling. He used the phrase "it scares the hell out of us" in reference to his family's reaction to the illness, and otherwise left his feelings completely out of the conversation. But my feelings became very involved. As I prayed for his family member that night, I was still suppressing sobs. All day yesterday in the times when I was alone, I was trying not to cry over it. It is utterly ridiculous, if you think of it. A friend's family member that I haven't even met is fighting a scary illness, and my heart is breaking over it.

Not that it has me surprised or anything. When a friend of mine needed a heart transplant this time last year, I wasn't sad about it until I heard the pain in his sister's voice over the phone. And at that time, I was floored with sadness for his family.

When anybody around me cries, it's hard for me not to, even if I have no idea what they're crying about. Yesterday I watched the movie Tangled (sidebar: SO GOOD! Go see it immediately), and when the little computer-animated character had tears well up in her eyes, they welled up in mine too. Computer. Animated. Character.

It works the other way too, I find it incredibly easy to be happy when the people around me are happy, whether or not I was happier earlier in that day or not.

And I think because of that, it's hard for me to have my own feelings for myself. I hardly cried at either of my grandpas' funerals. Any time I've ever said goodbye to my friends for a long period of time? Only that one time. Graduation? Nah. Was I sad in all of these situations? Of course I was. I just don't tend to show it. Or let myself feel it.

So now, I've identified a quality in myself that I wasn't previously aware of. How do I use that quality to do...anything useful? It seems like a useless gift, does it not? I get all blubbery when my friends are also blubbery. Awesome. But I can develop this in order to connect with people, and perhaps form deeper and more meaningful relationships. Here goes nothing :-)

Reasons to love Erie...even in the winter

Wherever you find love

It feels like Christmas.

The Muppet's Christmas Carol is the definition of the holiday season at my house. As a child, I would watch this movie at least 3 times every Christmas season with my family (to this day I can practically quote the entire movie). As an almost-adult, I am still convinced that it is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. The characters are lovable, the songs are charming, and even though the name of Jesus is never mentioned, I think the true message of Christmas is displayed better in this movie than in the original Christmas Carol if you pay close attention to the lyrics of the songs.

And in the scene where Scrooge is introduced, he walks in time with the music. It just can't be beat.

Anyway, here are two songs that I'm going to share with those of you who haven't experienced the awesomeness that is the Muppet's Christmas Carol. I'd suggest going right out and purchasing the movie at your first opportunity.

Note: You can click on the titles of the songs to see a video!

It Feels Like Christmas

It's in the singing of a street corner choir

It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, wherever you find love it feels like Christmas

A cup of kindness that we share with another
A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother
In all the places you find love it feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear
It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

It's in the giving of a gift to another
A pair of mittens that were made by your mother
It's all the ways that we show love that feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we'll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love it feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear
It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, wherever you find love it feels like Christmas
It's true, wherever you find love it feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas

Bless Us All

Life is full of sweet surprises, everyday's a gift
The sun comes up and I can feel it lift my spirit
It fills me up with laughter, it fills me up with song
I look into the eyes of love and know that I belong
Bless us all, who gather here
The loving family I hold dear
No place on Earth, compares with home
And every path will bring me back from where I roam

Bless us all, that as we live
We always comfort and forgive

We have so much that we can share
With those in need we see around us everywhere

Let us always love each other
Lead us to the light

Let us hear the voice of reason
Singing in the night

Let us run from anger
And catch when we fall
Teach us in our dreams and please, yes, please
Bless us one and all

Bless us all with playful years
With noisy games and joyous tears
We reach for you, and we stand tall
And in our prayers and dreams we ask you bless us all
We reach for you, and we stand tall
And in our prayers and dreams we ask you bless us all

You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded

A first year ME grad student had a birthday party last night, bar tour style. Not usually my thing, but I went along. She's becoming one of my best friends down here, I am actually getting to really enjoy all of my classmates, especially the girls. At Behrend I didn't hang out with the other girl ME's too much (I did room with Diana for 3 years and she is one of my best friends to this day, but we also had our own separate sets of friends that we spent most of our time with...), but here it's where I've fit in the most, with the girls. They are all really awesome, down-to-earth, non-socially-awkward, caring-about-other-people, involved-in-their-communities, fun-to-be-around type girls. I think it comes from being one of a very few number of girls in your entire college experience. You learn to cope with being surrounded by testosterone 24/7 and become better for it :-)

Anyway, this blog post isn't supposed to be about the girls, it's supposed to be about a boy.

I was sitting in that long booth at bar #3 listening to the band that was playing with some of my classmates, when he sat down beside me. We started talking (like we had been all night, really), about random things that have the feel of small talk. We talked about the band and how we both loved it (they were good). The band was loud, I leaned in close to hear him speak. He put his arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder. We stayed there for awhile, while also continuing our conversation.

Funny thing about that conversation, it started to evolve into not so much small talk anymore, but real things.

We talked about our thoughts on grad school and how difficult it was. How both of us felt that this semester was the hardest ever, and that we are anticipating next semester to be worse. We both shared our legitimate concern over failing out of grad school. Although we did both get A minuses in our fluids class, you fail out of grad school when your GPA drops below a 3.0. Terrifying.

We talked about our families.

We talked about my guitar experiences and the few worship songs I knew how to play.

We talked about mutual friends we have from growing up (We know a decent amount of the same people from our pasts ... even though we didn't meet each other until October). He told me about a crush he had on one of those mutual friends in high school. We talked about the mutual friend who had died. We talked about the mutual friend who is now a missionary in Mexico.

We talked about the large number of people we know who are now missionaries, and our thoughts on being here, in grad school, rather than out in the literal "mission field." He quoted CS Lewis (I don't remember the exact quote guys, sorry), that was something to the effect of that the professional world needs Christians too. Helpful for me, and something I know but have at the same time been struggling with the past few months, the fact that my grad school experience seems to be selfish at times, motivated so that I can learn more and get a better job in the future. It's hard for me to be in grad school when I have a handful of friends who are living entirely in intentional Christian communities serving God through serving those in need and spreading his word at the same time. Sometimes I feel less useful to His kingdom than they are. But that's not true. And this boy reminded me last night.

He mentioned being a "new Christian," and I asked him to tell me what he means by that. He said it was a long story, but if I asked him later he'd tell me about how he became a Christian. I am excited for that story.

In the meantime, the rest of the bar tour totally ditched us. Whoops. But I think both of us were mutually okay with that. He walked me to the bus stop and we hugged goodbye.

It was a good night.

Freezing

This morning I woke up and it was 60 degrees F in my apartment. It still is. The thermostat's set at 75. I think we might want to get it checked out...

Today the wind chill makes it feel like -4 degrees F outside. IT IS COLD. Time to cuddle up with my snuggie and do some conduction homework. When I'm done, I will officially be done with my first semester of grad school!

Together, together, together everyone

After one of those quick awkward hugs (you know, the kind where you have only known a person for a month and neither of you is really sure of the appropriate gesture for a goodbye) and a "I'll see you tomorrow," I found myself grinning ecstatically the entire 3-block walk back to the engineering building. Oh dear.

Another note: grad school is totally not survivable without a study group. But once you find one, life is good. This week has been great, because while it is every bit as busy and full of schoolwork as it always has been (even more so with finals approaching and my final conduction project kicking me in the butt), I have a group of people to struggle with. The "we're all in this together" mentality is actually very helpful. You'll note that I am writing this now as the rest of my group has already gone back home to their warm apartments. My productivity goes way down without them here with me.

We're all in this together
And it shows
When we stand
Hand in hand
Make our dreams come true

I also got to listen to beautiful worship music for an hour tonight that was sung A Capella style by a group here at Penn State. Awesome. So awesome. Life is good.

I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here

I dislike being told to leave the place that I am studying. The engineering library closes at 11pm, the computer lab I was in tonight (computer lab: nobody has to do ANYTHING in order to keep it open), closes at midnight. Coming from 4 years of being able to study and do my homework anywhere I darn well pleased for as much time as I wanted, this is a huge adjustment. Not one that I am going to get used to easily.

Yes, I know there is a small room in the library that's open 24 hours. Yes, I know that the Reber computer labs are open 24 hours. And yes, I know that Dunkin Donuts is also open for 24 hours and has free wi-fi. But the library is about a million miles away, the Reber computer lab is always full (30 computers to support hundreds of undergrad engineering majors? Come on.), and I refuse to do homework on a table that is sticky from syrup. I also don't have the right programs on my own computer, so I need a computer lab, not wifi. Gahh.

That is all. Have a good night :-)

Hours, minutes, and seconds

Last week I kept track of how many hours I spent doing one of the four things I am responsible for in grad school: My teaching assistantship, my research, doing homework, and attending class. Here are the final numbers. They weren't as extremely out of proportion as I thought they would be, but there's definitely a trend towards not doing as much homework as I should.

Teaching assistantship - 9 hours. This was a slower week than normal for that, I finished all of my grading by Monday.

Research - 23.75 hours. About normal. This number will increase next semester, though.

Homework - 16.25 hours. And this includes the 6 hours I worked on my project yesterday. Between Monday and Friday I only spent 10.25 hours on homework. This is clearly not enough, considering I didn't finish my fluids homework that was due on Friday and I'm way behind on my project due next week.

Class - 5 hours. This includes the time I am actually sitting in a class. It was 1 hour 15 minutes shorter than usual because one of my classes was canceled.

Total time - 54 hours spent working. Love.

1 John 2

Christ Our Advocate

¹My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. ² He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but^C)"> also for the sins of the whole world. ³And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. ⁴Whoever says "I know him" but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, ⁵but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: ⁶whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

The New Commandment

⁷Beloved, I am writing you no new commandment, but an old commandment that you had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word that you have heard. ⁸At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. ⁹Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. ¹⁰Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. ¹¹But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.
¹²I am writing to you, little children,
because your sins are forgiven for his name’s sake.
¹³I am writing to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I am writing to you, young men,
because you have overcome the evil one.
I write to you, children,
because you know the Father.
¹⁴I write to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men,
because you are strong,
and the word of God abides in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.

Do Not Love the World

¹⁵ Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶For all that is in the world— the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. ¹⁷And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Children of God

²⁸And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming. ²⁹If you know that he is righteous, you may be sure that everyone who practices righteousness has been born of him.

Death of a Computer

I got a computer virus in June, and have since tried to get rid of it to no avail. And it's the trojan horse kind, which apparently goes out from your computer, finds other little viruses and brings them back. Or something like that. Either way, right now my virus protection software tells me there are somewhere on the order of 200 little viruses floating around in my temporary drive. I go delete them almost daily, but they keep coming back. And more and more appear each time.

Yes, I could uninstall and reinstall Windows on my computer, and yes that would probably solve the problem, but I don't know how to do it by myself and every time I see someone who does I get distracted and forget. One of my new grad school friends and I have been trying to schedule a "reinstall Windows party" for a few weekends now, and it just hasn't happened. It also is terrifying to me to completely wipe my computer clean of everything I've been filling it with for 4 years, and trusting in the little external hard-drive I bought on a whim one day in May to save me. The hard-drive is small and purple. Can it really hold the key to saving my computer?

Anyway, just now I got a warning that says the memory in my C:// drive is dangerously low, and I should delete some files to make room for more. Which means that the teeny virus has multiplied to the point where it's slowing down my computer, and tomorrow it may or may not be able to turn on (my guess, based off of absolutely nothing scientific). So to that, I say adieu, dear computer. I hardly knew ye. It was a good four years. Luckily, I can pay 1/10th of the price that I paid for this one and get a computer with 572380 times the computing power. And I do have my files saved on that little purple hard-drive. So I don't think anything too terrifying will happen. Maybe. Who knows. For all I know, this thing will be kicking for another 4 years.

Still, it's nice to pay tribute to a dear friend.

[Caption] My computer in its first home, Almy 318

Research?

I've been working in this lab all semester part-time, and at the end of October I made the decision to keep on working there (except this time as a full-time paid worker) next semester. I spent a lot of time weighing my options and it seemed to be the best choice. I like the research (jet engines are just COOL), I love the people in the lab, and it is professionally a very good lab that will give me lots of career choices when I graduate. The only downside is that the students there work noticeably more hours than the students in most other ME labs on campus. I thought I was okay with this, I really did. If you read my previous post, you will probably note that in undergrad I got used to balancing classes and work and extracurriculars. I seemingly should have the skills to be able to balance everything next semester, too.

But in the past few days I've been having my doubts. The other first year in that lab, who's been working there since the summer as a paid employee, is having so much trouble with his project and right now is considering quitting grad school because of it. He is miserable when he is at work, he spends more than 40 hours a week there, and hasn't made any progress on his project basically since school started (his test setup is giving him bad data and he can't seem to fix it). He is getting into trouble with our adviser because of his lack of progress, which adds to his misery. He feels way behind in classes because he hasn't had time to dedicate to them. I don't want to be that person. I can't be that person.

If I spend 50 hours a week doing research next semester, I WILL fail my classes. It's just a given - these classes are hard. And I'm mildly freaking out. I have these grand aspirations of getting into work at 7am every morning and getting enough accomplished so that I can leave by 4 every day to start working on homework. Will I be able to do it? Talking to him has given me my doubts. But I'm stuck. I've already agreed to work here (for at least one semester). If things go terribly then I will perhaps drop out at the end of the semester, but that puts me more behind on graduating than I already am.

And for some reason, I wasn't freaking out about this in October when I was making the decision. If I had been, I would have made a different one, probably with the adviser who wanted me to work there solely based on the fact that I graduated from Behrend (he's had good success with Behrend grads in the past). But when I visited that lab, it was less than exciting for me, and I couldn't imagine being happy there. I didn't get along with the students in that lab quite as well as I wanted. Also, I would have been working on a project modeling the fluid dynamics of the inside of a dog's nose, which is cool, but I don't really care how a dog's nose operates. I really don't. Those were my reasons for NOT choosing that lab. Although I didn't even give it a chance. It could have been great. But I'll never know.

I regressed with that last paragraph. This was all just a post to dump some of my feelings. My stomach is getting butterflies just thinking about it. Oh dear.