May no act of ours bring shame

I have been wrestling all week about whether or not I should post about the things that have happened at Penn State this week.  And I decided that, as a current student who is so close to what is happening, I was practically required to.  Mostly, I want to share my story and my emotions, because it has been a super emotional week.  For those of you who are also members of the Penn State community, you probably had similar feelings as me.  And here, I am primarily focusing on emotions.  Because honestly, it has been an extremely emotional week for every single member of the Penn State family.  And I mean family.  If this doesn't make sense to you, then imagine each and every person involved in this scandal is a member of your actual family.  And try not to be emotional about it.  I dare you.

A lot has happened.  I guess I will start from the beginning.  On Saturday I found out about the allegations against Jerry Sandusky.  There was a group of us gathered at a bonfire that night, and we all talked it out a little bit.  We were appalled, shocked, taken aback, but mostly calm.  We knew that Sandusky had committed atrocious crimes, we knew the whole grad student tells JoePa tells Curley and Schultz thing, and we knew that Sandusky, Curley, and Schultz were in deep, deep trouble, for sexually assaulting boys and then blatantly covering it up for years.  We were horrified with the crimes and talked quietly and awkwardly about it.  And we knew it was a big deal.  But we had no idea it would tear the University apart. 

On Sunday we pretty much pretended like it didn't happen. 

On Monday, the rest of the world knew.  It was in the newspapers, it was on TV.  People talked about it openly on campus... the student body that hadn't found out over the weekend found out Monday.  There was a general feel of disgust and anger and fear.  Questions arose.  Why would anyone do this?  Why would Sandusky, a man trusted and respected by all at the University, do this?  We were worried about the men that were still employed by the university, and wondered what they've been doing all this time (mostly Curley and Schultz, but we had a few curiosities about Paterno, McQueary, and Spanier as well, all of whose names appeared in the indictment).  We read the Grand Jury Indictment.  We studied the information about Victim #2, which is the victim that brought to light most of the failures with the administration.  These men, leaders of this institution that we call our home, had LET US DOWN.  We were disappointed and sad.  We were also angry at these men. 

On Tuesday, the media hailstorm hit in full-force.  Suddenly, we were seeing news reports about Joe Paterno and his involvement.  Imagine here, that Joe Paterno is your grandfather.  A man you've grown up to love and trust, who has never let you down.  Also, a man who, according to the Grand Jury Indictment that WE read, appeared innocent (At least by comparison.  I am not here to discuss JoePa's innocence/guilt involving the matter and whether or not he should have been fired.  Because honestly, that's not something I will never know the answer to.  What I do know is how most of the campus community felt about it...and it was not about football like the media makes it out to be).  They also canceled his scheduled press conference that afternoon, which would have been a chance for him to defend himself at least a little bit.  Why was the media attacking our grandfather, and not our evil step-uncle, Sandusky, who sexually abused and raped so many boys?  Why was the media not attacking Curley and Schultz, who blatantly and utterly covered up these crimes and then lied about it?  These two men had both resigned that morning (Curley on administrative leave, which means he still, at this point, has the option of returning provided he's not in jail for the rest of his life).  Clearly, somebody was missing something.  There also came a stirring up of emotions about Graham Spanier, the current university president, who said the previous day that he fully supported Curley and Schultz.  He also kind of punted the whole matter and didn't deal with it properly, and basically tried to pretend it didn't happen.  So we were mad at him.  Some students stood outside his office at Old Main on Tuesday night and waited for him to come out (at around midnight...the whole administration has been working super late hours the past week) to declare their displeasure.  There was also a group of students who gathered at JoePa's house that night to show their support for him amidst the media trashing his name that day. Joe addressed the supportive crowd in tears.  And then we cried.  We were heartbroken. 

Everyone knows about Wednesday.  In the morning JoePa announced his retirement at the end of the season, during the day the media talked smack about him but continued to ignore the ACTUAL CRIMES AND CRIMINALS, and in the evening he was told that he was not allowed to retire (even though Schultz, criminally charged in this case, was allowed to retire, and Curley still has a chance of coming back from administrative leave), but that he was to be fired immediately.  Graham Spanier, our university president, lost his job in the same meeting.  Two very important, iconic men and leaders in our university, people that we knew well and respected (and members of our family, remember?), were suddenly torn away.  The board of trustees made a decision even though they ADMITTED that they still didn't know all the details yet.  Had justice been served?  It didn't seem so.  It seemed more like a hasty attempt to distance the university from the pubic figure that had somehow become the face of this scandal.  More of the leaders of our university let us down.  We were hurt, confused, and afraid.  And some of us rioted in that emotional moment. 

Sidebar:  Was rioting a good idea?  Not at all.  I think it was stupid and wrong, and so does most of the student body.  If you are reading this and you were part of the group that rioted, shame on you.  What were you thinking?  They estimate that less than 2000 students rioted.  The campus contains about 40,000 undergraduate students.  Keep that in perspective as you're watching the news, please.  But they DID NOT riot simply because they lost a football coach.  They were seeing their family get town apart.  And they were upset. 

Quiz:  How many of you would be able to pick out a picture of Jerry Sandusky in a line-up of pictures?  How many times have you seen his face?  And, do you even know who Curley and Schultz are and what their jobs are now (and were in 2002)?  Look it up.  Both of those men still worked for the university until this week. 

Another sidebar:  I saw a news article on Wednesday night (I was up kind of late following the news about the riots happening 2 miles outside my apartment), and in the body of the article it mentioned that "Joe Paterno had been fired, as well as the university president."  THEY DID NOT EVEN MENTION THE NAME OF THE UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT.  Poor journalism.  Biased media.  I will never look at a news story again after this week without questioning its validity.  I truly believe that there are some people in this country who think that Joe Paterno raped little boys, because his has been the face of this entire mess.  ...okay, rant done. 

Thursday was absolutely depressing.  We were distraught about the events that transpired the night before.  We were ashamed for having rioted.  We were angry about the negative image that had been portrayed about Penn State, and about all the negative comments we were seeing about us, and the sudden outpouring of people saying "JoePa deserved this" or "so proud to be a Michigan Wolverine" (not kidding...a few of my friends had facebook status updates that blatantly said they were proud NOT to be a Penn Stater).  We were sick of people assuming they knew what happened, and that they had the right to judge the matter.  We were hurt at the number of people who assumed that Penn Staters didn't care at all about the victims.  We were still disgusted and appalled over these crimes.  And all these emotions combined to form a deep sadness.  As I walked around campus on Thursday, I saw very few smiles and I overheard very few cheerful conversations.  I think I heard somebody describe the mood on campus as a funeral with 40,000 guests.  This was also the first time I noticed that media trucks were kind of everywhere.  We wanted them to go away. 

On Friday evening, we held a vigil.  The Blue Band played music, speakers spoke, encouraged, and focused on the victims, and A Capella groups sang songs while the rest of us reflected on the week.  There was singing, there were tears, there was healing, there was a new vision to move beyond this and take action.  It was good.  

On Saturday, I went to the PSU vs. Nebraska football game (a friend of mine had been planning on coming up for weeks, and she got us tickets to the game).  I honestly didn't want to go.  What if there was another riot that I couldn't avoid this time because I was so close to the action?  What if the mood was the same as it was all day on campus on Thursday, and it was awkward?  I am so glad I went though.  Was it an awkward atmosphere?  Oh yes.  But it was GOOD.  And seeing the student section (we were in the nosebleeds on the opposite side of the stadium) sway during the Alma Mater prior to the game made me cry.  And then this happened:

[caption: Penn State and Nebraska football players and staff reflect for a moment before the football game on 11/12/11]

And I cried again.  My school, my family, was hurt so much the previous week by the actions of  few.  And the other team (a family of their own) knew that, and came together with ours to take a moment to remember before the game.  We were united.  We were healing.  And then we played some football.  The game was hard-fought and close, and I lost my voice cheering.  There was a fundraiser to help abused children.  Our sadness and emotions had been replaced with action. 

This morning was baptisms at church, which symbolically goes great with what has happened the whole week.  What did we learn this week other than everybody is messed up, broken, and in need of a Savior?  The symbolism of cleansing away the old sin and welcoming a new life was powerful this week in the midst of it.  It was the perfect ending to such a tragic and emotional week. 

Thanks for reading this excessively long post.  I think I'll follow up with a few things here and there of inspirational talks/articles I've read this week.  And please let me know how you felt this week.  Were you hurt, ashamed, disgusted?  How was it in places other than State College, Pennsylvania?