Standing up?

I had a really uncomfortable conversation with my boss on Friday. All summer long, I have believed that I wasn't allowed to stay working at GE during the school year, mostly because I didn't receive information about it at all (last summer I did), and the co-ops that got laid off for the summer weren't even guaranteed their jobs in the fall. It wouldn't be fair for me to keep my job, right?

I learned on Thursday night from Kerry that I was, in fact, allowed to stay. My department shows an intense need for me (they are really hurting right now with more work and less people to do it), and they all have talked to her about the possibility of keeping me. Apparently it was decided amongst HR that I was, in fact, allowed to stay during the fall...if I chose to do so.

It would have been so much easier if they just wouldn't let me come back.

In order to work during the school year, I am required to work 12 hours. Adding in the driving to and from work time (counting snow in the winter) and getting ready for work (can't go to work in my pj's) and showering after work (locomotives are dirty), that's probably at least 15 hours out of my week dedicated to GE. Between being vice president of a brand new organization on campus, prayer coordinator for an organization that needs to do some serious butt-kicking to stay alive next semester, and 18 credits along with senior design, I don't have the time to dedicate to this job right now. It would simply be semester suicide.

So I told my boss that, and he seemed disappointed in me. I guess there's nothing else I can do, short of making my boss somehow believe that this truly IS the right decision for me right now. I do love my job, and I am very sad to go, but I can't do this in the midst of a semester that is promising to be just as crazy as the last. He said things to me like, "I've seen students do it," and, "You could even come in on Saturdays to get the work done," and the look in his eyes was one of disappointment. I'm not used to this, I strive to make people happy all the time. I think that's part of my busy-ness problem... I can't say no... and when I try I somehow end up feeling bad and getting sucked back in because it's better for the overall group. And then other people say no and somehow get out, leaving me with more work and more frustration.

This one time I said no, I finally stood up for myself, and it was awkward, and it still kind of hurts me inside. I know that they truly need the extra help, but I simply can't give it to them. I will be very sad when I hand in my GE badge and walk out the doors of building 9 for the last time (hopefully not forever, but for at least a year). The people I work with are absolutely WONDERFUL, and the lessons I've learned this summer have been invaluable. I will be sad the day I won't be able to climb up on that locomotive and sit in that incredibly comfy chair and run that 6000 horsepower engine.

The chooch will always hold a special place in my heart <3