"We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem." ... We didn't need to know that there was one."

It's been awhile since I've posted.  There is a lot to catch you up on.  The most important of which is that I am DONEEEE with grad school!  And have since started my new real-person job doing research for the University as a Research and Development Engineer.  It has some security requirements that doesn't let me post details, but if you ever want to talk let me know :-).  There are some interesting things that I do that I can talk about.  I just, you know, shouldn't be boasting all over the internet about it.  So yeah.  But so far it's great.  I get to leave work at 5pm!  AND I have no homework!

The biggest thing that's been on my mind lately has been my relationshipped friends, again.  A few years ago (almost 3...oh dear), I wrote this post:    http://mollmoll22.blogspot.com/2010/01/frustration.html.  And then, when friends ultimately got their feelings hurt, I wrote this apology post: http://mollmoll22.blogspot.com/2010/01/apology.html.  I am going to try my best NOT to offend most of my relationshipped friends with this one, but it's a part of my life that's becoming obvious again, and there are things that I need to work on in myself as well.  So bear with me.  And also, please comment back at me to give me constructive criticism.  If you have seen these attributes in me, then tell me please.  I want to change for the better.  All in all though, I try very specifically not to exhibit behavior that I describe below.

The original post was written when I was a single person.  And honestly, I think most of my sentiments came from jealousy and selfishness about not having someone to similarly spend all of my time with.  "All of my friends spend ALL of their time with their boyfriends/girlfriends" I complained, assuming that at some point I would have an opportunity to spend all of my time with someone else.  It was rather childish and mostly naive, but the point still remains: many people in relationships simply don't know how to (or don't CARE to) spend time with other people.  And make their own decisions.  They simply don't.    

Today I am writing, not as a bitter single person whose friends all abandoned her for their significant others, but as a person in a rather happy (and I hope, healthy) relationship.  And I agree, that it takes significant effort on the part of the relationshipped person to make time for the other people in their lives.  Sure, you love him/her.  That's great.  And that means you want to spend all of your time with him/her.  But that habit will do nothing but ENSURE that you will at some point have no other friends.  That's just the way it is.

Let's start with an example scenario, one that I have experienced many many times from almost all of my friends in relationships at least once:
Me: Do you want to go see this chick-flick on Friday night?
Other person: I don't know.  Let me check with Boo-boo bear (or whatever you call him/her).

Okay.  Here's the deal.  If, at this point, you haven't made plans with your significant other for Friday night, then you are well and free to do with it as you please (other than, you know, promiscuous sex with other people...that's still a no-no).  Seeing a movie with your same-sexed friends is perfectly acceptable.  And now that I am in a relationship, I know EXACTLY how the other conversation will go when you talk to your significant other the following day.  

Other person: Hey, Molly invited me to go to the movies on Friday night.  Do you think we will be doing anything else?
Significant other: Well, I was thinking we could do (insert typical date night here).
Other person: Okay, I'll tell Molly that we have plans and I can't go see the movie with her.

Here's the kicker: YOU DON'T HAVE PLANS.  You made plans (sort of), AFTER she invited you to do something.  You simply don't want to hang out with Molly and would rather hang out with boyfriend/girlfriend, simple as that.

Now, if I invite you to do something and you do, in fact, already have plans, that's fine.  Say no.  But tell me, "So-and-so and I are going to go help feed the hungry that night, I'm sorry.  But can we do it another night?"

That sentence, above, tells me you care about me.  You have actually already made plans, and you are trying to reschedule.  

Or I guess a third option is that you really just don't want to see that movie.  But tell me the truth...don't use your boyfriend as an excuse for not hanging out.  

Also, it's okay to say the above sentence to your significant other.  For example, say yes to my invite to the movie BEFORE TALKING TO HIM/HER (I know, crazy!!!).  And then, later in the day when he suggests some romantic date night for the same time, simply ask him to move it to Saturday.  It really is quite simple.  He's not going to break up with you because you made other plans.  And if he is, he's kind of a crappy boyfriend.

I have spent two years purposefully making sure that I am not the person in the first scenario.  Now, I have done it (more in the beginnings of the relationship when things were new and exciting and I just wanted to see him ALL THE FREAKING TIME), but I don't make a habit of it.  I understand that the natural instinct is to want to blow off all of your friends.  I get it, I really really do...I have been/am there.  And it takes CONSIDERABLE EFFORT not to do this.  But if I matter to you, you should make time for me, too.  Otherwise, you'll lose me.

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother a lot recently (Netflix...yay!).  I was able to find a paraphrase of part of an episode that applies to this post.  Sorry, I couldn't find the youtube equivalent.  I will leave you with this scenario:  

"As he's preparing to leave, Ted is so hopped up on Tantrum that he rips up a throw pillow on purpose, then shouts, "TANTRUM!" He then tells Barney how thrilled he is to have some alone time with Marshall, because Marshall and Lily have started morphing into a "we." Any question he asks Marshall (how are you doing; did you watch the game) gets a we answer -- even when Marshall's just back from the doctor. "We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem." We didn't need to know that there was one." (http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/how_i_met_your_mother/duel_citizenship_1.php?page=2)

As cute as Marshall and Lily are as a couple (and in the rest of the episodes, not that much like the above description), don't emulate the above scenario.  Just don't.  You're your own person.  The two of you should complement each other, not BE each other.  Make your own decisions, have your own hobbies/interests/friends.  You can also do couply things and have couply friends, but variety is what makes life interesting and fun.  

My favorite couples have been the ones that have included me in their lives.  The ones where I can hang out with the two of them and not feel like a third wheel.  The ones that spend time apart every once in awhile.  The ones that make jokes and laugh with one another (and sometimes laugh AT one another).  The ones who have differing interests and hobbies, and even different political views.  Conversations with couples like that are varied and wonderful.  And don't make me want to vomit when they get all mushy.  

Like this couple: 

Or this one: 

Or this one: 

The fact that I have pictures of you as a couple means you let me hang out with you.  And we had enough fun to take pictures.  So there.  :-).  

Is it a problem in myself, too?  Sure.  Why do the actions of my friends bother me so much?  It's something I need to work on.  Because I get downright ANGRY when I see this behavior in any of my friends.  And I see it in SO MANY of my friends (thus, the post today).  Is the fact that I get angry about this a testament to my character?  Sure.  I need to chill on this topic, I think.  Deep breaths and prayer, to be sure.  But poor treatment of people is something that always riles me up, and this type of behavior does affect those around you.  So if you're one of these couples, start to think of how your actions are hurting others.  And also tell me if I am being outright mean to you because of it.  I should be nice, and I'm sorry.  

Anyway, if you suspect that I am blowing you off just so I can have another few hours to hang out with the boyfriend I see every day anyway, or if I am morphing into a "we" instead of an "I", please tell me.  And also slap me in the face.  That is all.  

So close so close.

I have to submit my thesis online before Friday.  Good times.  I am so close.  It's basically been done for a month now, I am just playing around with a few last minute formatting blips.  Right now Word won't let me number the pages the way I want to, and it's ANNOYING.  GAHHHH.  This is totally not something that I should be dealing with right now. 

Also, I started my new, real-person job last week.  Stories to come soon!  

Anyway, I apologize for the lack of posts the past month or so, and I promise to begin again shortly :-). 

Last weekend?

With any luck, this is the last weekend I will be working.  I am supposed to hand in my thesis on Tuesday to adviser so she can read the whole thing together (for the first time).  On Wednesday I fly in an aeroplaneeee to go to California for my cousin's wedding! And hopefully I don't return with a crap-ton of work to do on my thesis.  I just want to get back from my trip and SLEEP for DAYS. 

*crosses fingers*

I really just want to be done.  I am so over school.  And thesis writing.  And this whole working on the weekends without getting paid thing.  I just want to enjoy my LIFE.  You know?  That part of me that doesn't involve work?  My work, while definitely a part of who I am, is not WHO I am. 

It's beginning to look a lot like...fall!

A beautiful tree on my walk into work this morning.  Colors shamelessly enhanced by Instagram. 

Fall has always been my favorite season, and October my favorite month.  It's beautiful, crisp, and there's nothing I love more than hot apple cider and pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING!  

It's rather unfortunate that this year it is coupled with a huge sense of anxiety.  The first day of October sent a wave of terror across my entire existence.  Thesis is due to my sponsors and faculty reader in 2 weeks, if I'm going to get this done on time for the mid-November final deadline.  In a month I will start my new job, and new jobs are always scary.  Plus I am flying on an airplane in 2 weeks to go to my cousin's wedding in CA, which tends to stress me out.  I am spending all of my time inside working, but I just want to go outside and play!  

Ironic, that about this time last year, I was remarking on how I would no longer associate fall with the start of classes and it would be that much better this year!  Oops.  Next fall.  Next fall I won't have classes AND I won't be finishing a master's thesis.  

But in the meantime, I am enjoying the fall leaves.  Penn State is beautiful this time of year.  :-). 

Lantern Tours

Last night, boyfriend and I went on a "Lantern Tour."  Going into it, the only thing we knew was from a flyer that I saw that said you would "Meet the characters from Penn State's past and present during a stroll through campus by Lantern Light" and "Free refreshments."  I like lanterns, Penn State, history, and free food, so I convinced boy that this would be fun to do (he was less convinced, but he humored my enthusiasm).  

Oh man.  It.  Was.  Awesome.  It was a beautiful night in Happy Valley, approximately 65° and clear skies.  We showed up at Old Main at about 7:30, and signed up for a tour.  We had to wait about half an hour, but in the meantime we ate some of those free refreshments, watched some people juggle light-up balls, and listened to an A Capella group sing pretty songs.  Then we got called for our tour.  Our group was lead by two students, one of which was wearing a fake mustache.  We then started the walk around campus.  Intermittently, there were characters dressed in elaborate costumes who told us about things from the past.  We met George Atherton, one of the first presidents of the University, and his wife who was a ghost.  We met some military-dressed "students" from the past and learned about the beginnings of the ROTC.  We met Ben and Jerry.  We met a young Sue Paterno, who, in an effort to encourage school spirit in the 1970's, lead a group of other coaches' wives to paint the Lion Shrine ORANGE (so the students would think the opponents did it and rally behind their team, or something), accidentally using latex-based paint instead of water-based paint.  And we went to the top of the Old Main bell tower and gazed upon campus at night (which was TOTALLY unexpected!).  I also got to see my friend Maria who was in our tour group, another unexpected surprise.  

Afterwards they didn't really herd us out of Old Main very quickly, so we dawdled and took some pictures with all the pretty things in the main lobby.  

We were THIS CLOSE to the clock!

Picking the lamb's nose

Giving Pugh a wet willie

Being thoughtful in Old Main

Office of the President

Playing with the Lion

 
So.  I got to eat ice cream, drink cider, walk around campus on a beautiful night, learn about Penn State's history, and go to the top of the bell tower.  :-)

Grad School Fodder

It's Saturday.  I shouldn't be working.  But I am.  And I will be tomorrow. I CANNOT WAIT to graduate.  With any luck, I'll be done within the month.  But probably not, the way this is going.  I want my weekends baaaaack.  It's fall, I should be drinking apple cider and playing in the leaves and watching football.   
I don't have this feeling often.  The feeling where I think I will just never be good enough.  Seriously, I spent the better part of 3 weeks pruning my data, inspecting it, learning from it, and then writing [what I thought was] the best thesis chapter in the world.  My figures were colorful and beautiful.  My words were concise and technical.

But.  It's still not good enough.  I need to write it again.  My adviser thinks my figures are sloppy and inconsistent (I disagree...it's true that my contour plot has a different range of data than my scatter plot, but guess what?  THEY ARE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLOTS, SHOWING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT DATA!!!), and my writing was not precise enough (my focus was wrong?  for the entire chapter?  perfect.).  So again, I write.  The same chapter over again.  This time with better plots and more precise word choice.  Not to mention the fact that I need to write an entire paper in the next 2 weeks on top of this thesis thing. 

Seriously, most of my friends who graduated wrote their entire thesis in like, a month, and their adviser skimmed it once...maybe twice.  I mean, come on.  Can I have that?  I've been fine up to this point, working longer hours than many of my grad school friends didn't really matter to me because I liked what I did and I (surprisingly) was able to keep up with expectations.  And for the most part I stayed away from work on the weekends.  I was praised for what I did because I did it well.  But I am suddenly failing.  I can't write to her expectations.  I went from feeling like the Superstar! to Grad School is Hell in a matter of a few weeks. 

Which brings me to how surprised I am that I am so hurt by this.  Should my feelings depend on what other people think of me?  About whether or not I am living up to my adviser's expectations?  No.  They most certainly shouldn't.  But I was happy when she praised me and am now upset when she criticizes my figures (they were SO BEAUTIFUL!). 

The lesson to be learned is that my worth should not be put on any one person's perception of me.  My worth comes only from Christ.  Funny, that I remember telling a friend this when he was struggling with the same thing, with the same adviser, a little less than 2 years ago.  It pushed him far enough to quit.  I can't quit now.  And I won't.  But gosh darn it, I want to do something right!  Can we fast forward to December, when I will have a new job?  Or rewind to April, when I used to be good at what I did? 

Writer's block

Have you ever had writer's block?  If you're not a writer, then probably not.  I never really had either.  I mean, for awhile in high school, I would have to write something new every week or so, and it wasn't a huge deal to me.  Sure, I got stuck sometimes, but that was nothing that a trip to dance class and back couldn't cure. 

While I enjoyed writing in high school, I never gave my life over to it.  I decided to become an engineer.  That writing was too subjective of a subject to study.  I like concrete answers, for things to be black-and-white, for there to be a "true" answer to a problem or idea.  Plus, I didn't see any career in writing.  I mean, what do you do with a writing degree?  Just write more?  Teach other people how to write?  The job market seemed slim in that category.  And I didn't like writing THAT much.  I like math much better.

In undergrad I wrote a few things, lab reports, proposals, homework word problems, essay responses to Dr. Roth's material science exams, etc.  They were fairly cut and dry, and required little creativity.  I was fine with that.  If I wanted to get my creative juices flowing, I would go around campus and take some pictures, choreograph a dance, or write a blog post.  Even engineering required a certain amount of creativity, since there is more than one way to solve almost any problem.

And now, I have to write this thesis.  A master's thesis.  And I can't graduate until I do.  And I spend hours, days, looking at the screen trying to think of what to write.  Sad, huh?  I mean, I did all the research!  I can crank out technical drawings and figures in a matter of minutes.  But writing about those technical figures and drawings?  It's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.  Severe writer's block.  For like, the past month. 

So I figured, that maybe, by writing this blog post, I would get in the swing of writing again.  I have approximately a month left before that day where, if I'm not finished, I will have to wait another semester to get that degree.  And that's a problem.  You see, I have this job offer.  And this job offer is contingent on me receiving that degree.  And they already expected me to get that degree in August.  Now I have pushed it back to December.  They're flexible, but I don't really want to have to break it to them that I won't get a degree until May.  Plus, who wants to say they graduated in 2013??  Ick.  2012 is just so much better.

In other news, here are some pictures from last weekend.  We went on a boat, it was fun.  The lake we played on was a full hour drive from here, but it was totally worth it.