Goodbye

We had our last IV this Thursday, which meant it was time to say bye to people who are leaving. A favorite time of the year for all of us. This year, there are 4 graduating seniors, in addition to 6 others who are transferring schools (four of them to University Park...darn you Penn State Behrend for shipping half the majors away). Ten people. Ten people who aren't going to be coming back. Ten people who had become a part of my life for the past 2 years, and who were just going to up and leave, go on with their lives, and leave me here...without them.

At the end of the night, we got in a circle, laid our hands on the shoulders of those who are leaving, and then Brad Sick looked right at me and says "Would you open us in prayer, Molly?"

Maybe it was because it was Brad who said it. I mean, he is one of the people in that group that I had gotten the closest to these past two years. It's funny how what could have hurt a lot of friendships made ours stronger, and just thinking about him not being there next year in classes, in Almy, and at worship, utterly broke my heart.

Maybe it was because I had just realized that I was opening prayer to send off a group full of ten people that I truly loved, and I felt like I was losing half of my family.

Maybe it was just seeing the genuine love for Christ in every person standing in that tight circle of 30 students, people that God had just kind of placed in my lap when I came to college, and I was overwhelmed with His love at that moment.

Maybe my heart was breaking for the few who were leaving who didn't quite figure out this God thing yet, and the thought that they might not pursue Him further once they left hurt me.

No matter what the reason was, I pretty much was gone right then. I nodded, prayed a few sentences, but then had to stop. Other people took over for me and we prayed for a good 20 minutes for these people... and I bawled the whole way through it. And, it was good.

God definitely heals when you are the most exposed, I think. I tend to smile a lot and cover up a lot of feelings I have on the inside for the sake of appearing strong to others. But in that moment, I couldn't keep on my happy face. Instead, God was saying, "Hey, you're sad about this, let this body of believers comfort you, and I will be here."

I need to let myself be more open more often.

Mr. Golden Sun

Today there was sunshine. And if you've ever lived in or been to Erie between the months of October and May, you know how exciting this is. I walked to class, listened to birds chirp, and enjoyed the fact that...yes, the sun does in fact, exist. Granted, it was still 40 degrees outside, but the sun is what makes life so much better.

It’s amazing how much my mood lifts when the sun is out. I notice it in other people, too. My classmates are much chattier during class, I get smiles from total strangers while I walk past them, and my suitemate gets very optimistic that she might be able to go biking soon. Little things like that make me smile during these first days of spring.

Why is it that we get so downtrodden when we experience a lack of sun? It’s not like it goes anywhere…it just hides behind the clouds for a few months at a time. But it’s hard for us to see through the clouds, and it’s so easy to feel like the sun will never come out again, and to let that affect out lives. I know I do. Seeing that sun shine through my window this morning made me actually WANT to get out of bed in the morning and attack the day.

So, I tend to think in metaphors, so here’s one for you. What about the Son? I mean, the sun makes our days brighter (literally), shouldn’t He also? He is always there, even when we can’t see Him hiding behind the clouds. Of course, Jesus doesn’t hide behind real clouds (well, maybe, but I’m not here to talk about the geographical location of heaven), but he hides behind the figurative clouds that cloud our lives. Clouds can be hard tests, broken relationships, fading friendships, stress with work, or real-life clouds that rain on us while we’re walking to class. We can sometimes only see those things, and it’s hard to see through them to the real Son, the real reason for the brightness in our day… and we forget. Our days become mediocre, dull, and saddened without Him, just like they do without the real sun shining down upon us. We forget He’s there, and it’s easy to believe that He never was, and never will be again.

Except, it’s not like it’s His fault that we forget He’s there. He is ALWAYS there, no matter what. We just need to stop focusing on those dumb clouds, and actually acknowledge His awesome existence in our lives (daily prayer/bible time, much?). I can go sledding in the dark, and I can dance in the rain. Why then, do I have such trouble focusing on my amazing Father when I just got that test back and the grade is a 75? Instead of saying things in anger to that friend who hurt me, why can’t I ask for His guidance on what to say? All I have to do is know He’s there, behind all the metaphorical clouds that mess up my life.

This is easier said than done to be sure, but something to ponder. I’ve gotten better, but I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I strive to be able to look those clouds in the face and say “Ha! Even though you’re blocking my view of the sun, I can still live my life abundantly, because I won't forget that the Son is always there!”

Take that, Satan. :-)

Business Casual?

This weekend, I attended a regional conference sponsored by the Society of Women Engineers. It's an organization that I, by default, am semi-active in on campus. The conference, to me, would be an opportunity to learn more about the engineering field and to meet other women engineers from other schools. That's the basic idea I had in my head at the beginning, mistakenly confusing SWE for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (at those conferences we learn more about our faith and meet other christians at different schools).

This conference was much different. I learned nothing about the field of engineering as a whole, and didn't really talk to students from other schools. I did, however, learn about the PROFESSION of the field. What I will do after college. How I have to dress when I go to an interview. How to balance a family and work. How to leave a voice mail message without making myself look like an idiot. How to climb the corporate ladder. All of it very useful and beneficial information, so it is impossible for me to complain about this conference, it was very well put together and left me leaving very well informed (and well fed, the food was wonderful).

Although, I had a problem with the attitudes of those in charge of the conference, the adult ladies who had already been in the work force. They made me feel, I don't know, inferior. And they were teaching me ways to make myself better, like they were doing me a personal favor by telling me that when I bought a suit, to wash the pieces at the same time so they don't fade differently. We had a joint meeting between college students and professionals for an hour on Saturday, and I left absolutely disgusted with everything that had just happened. They were informing us about a leadership training conference that would be held over the summer....

At this point, I have to define a few things:
1.) A national member of SWE - someone who has registered online and pays SWE a fee of 20 dollars a year to remain a member. You cannot put SWE on your resume unless you are a national member...unless you're counting on your future employer not to check. There are also some other advantages that goes along with it...none of which I'm really familiar with
2.) Section - Your campus's SWE department. Other organizations may use the word "chapter"
3.) "In good standing" - what it sounds like... a section is said to be "in good standing" if they have at least 10 national members, and 50% of these members are female and 50% of these members are engineers.

Long story short, Behrend is not in good standing. Our school is simply too small. And half the national members we get end up transferring to university park anyway...to become part of the 200-person SWE section there. A large portion of our members haven't joined nationally because they simply don't want to pay. So when our president asked if it was okay for non-national members to attend the leadership conference over the summer, there was complete uproar. One lady, who I can describe no other way than "really mean" couldn't believe that we would think of such a thing. I just wanted to say, CHILL OUT. None of the college students cared either way, but the old ladies with sticks up their butts couldn't stand that a person who wasn't paying them money each year would think of attending to learn about how to become a leader. Obviously, you had to be a national member to hold an officer's position anyway. Except it wasn't obvious. They hadn't told us that. And really, all we needed was for the lady in charge of the meeting to say "I'm sorry, but we can't allow non-national members to attend, because we are using national funds to pay for it," because that was the bottom line, I understood that. But three or four ladies had to argue and bicker about it, and make our section president feel horrible, and make half the room feel really embarrassed, because you know that they were about to ask the same question. And it was disgusting seeing all of those so-called professionals act that way.

If I learned one thing his weekend, I learned that I never want to become like the 4 ladies in that meeting. Yelling at a college student for asking a question at a meeting only discourages other people to ask questions, which ultimately will not prove to be beneficial to the organization. I learned that they want my money, and that seems to be all they cared about. The corporate world officially scares me now. Maybe I won't become an engineer. Maybe I will just live in a van down by the river for the rest of my life. Or I'll marry rich and stay home with our 18 children every day. To me, both of those options are more appealing than what I saw at that meeting in those 4 adult women, who insisted on acting like middle-school children.

If I EVER put money in front of the people in my life, you have my permission to slap me in the face. Twice.

Sophomore slumps

My freshman year at college was, to be completely honest, nothing short of AMAZING. I made new friends: friends who loved Jesus and helped me to grow in my faith, and friends who didn't, who I could talk to about their beliefs and learn more about them. Friends who kept in touch over the summer, and friends who I could see again in September and it had been like we never left. Friends who let me cry into their shoulder, and friends who cried into mine. Some of my high school friends had mentioned, during our first break home together, that they felt hug-deprived when they went away...but I never felt that at all. In fact, I was more hug-deprived at home than I was at school. A hug-overdose was more like it...I had found my niche, and I was in love with everything about my school. I never wanted to go home...I finished my finals in May on Monday of that week but didn't even go home until Friday, and I cried when I had to leave to go home for the summer. Seriously. Most people work the other way... haha. I had my own little bubble of happiness, friendship, Jesus, and I liked a boy who appeared to like me back (too bad I'm a chicken)... in essence: life was good.

I've heard the term "sophomore slump" before but never even thought about it until recently. I waited so long for that summer to end, so I could go back to my bubble. Summer ended, and I moved back an entire week early because of my job on campus. I was so excited to see my friends, to see that boy, to stay up late at night playing cards instead of doing homework, to hike in the beautiful gorge, to watch Brad and Mike juggle, to pray with the community I loved so much. Finally, the day came when they moved back in, and I was at work when I saw that boy. He saw me, smiled (oh how I loved that smile), walked over, said "Hi" to me, and asked me what I was up to later. I said nothing, that we should hang out (he agreed), and then got yelled at and had to get back to work. I think my heart jumped a foot and a half into the air (it is right now too, actually). "I'm home," I thought to myself. I couldn't be happier.

Now, about that sophomore slump thing. Apparently, when people graduate, they don't let them come back to live at college anymore. And when housing messes up the room assignments, you don't end up living next to the same amazing people you did before. Gone were the days when I could walk next door when I was bored, or stressed, or broken about something, and instead play super smash brothers, or get a random Bible message from Aaron or Dan.

So when I realized that my old neighbors weren't coming back, it put me into the reality. If I had a life-crisis and needed to talk to Aaron (he's the resident Dr. Phil, a pretty wonderful guy to talk to about anything in life), I could just walk outside to the building next door, no big deal. Except it gets more complicated when he has a girlfriend who he spends a lot of time with this year. She's one of my best friends, I was happy for them when they became a couple over the summer, but that means that instead of hanging out with just one of them, I get the pair...constantly...which I don't think I like. And the one he is dating used to come to visit all the time last year, and I could hang out with her...but I started to realize that her visits were always to see him. And since I'm not his neighbor anymore, I don't get to see her either.

And remember this boy that I liked? I had the pleasure of finding out from another friend a couple weeks into school that he had gotten a girlfriend over the summer as well, and didn't even bother to tell me, though he had a chance. The second or third day of school I asked him who the girl was in the picture on his desk. I mean, it was a picture of JUST her, and I am not dumb, but wanted to give him a chance to tell me (and secretly I hoped it was a cousin or something). He did, in fact, know that I liked him, because I told him...on the last day of freshman year (yeah, telling a boy I like him right before we're about to spend 3 months apart = bad idea...I said earlier that I was a chicken, right?). Anyways, in response to my question about the picture, he told me her name and that she was "a girl he met at camp." Oh, and the fact that you're DATING isn't important enough to tell me?? Ooooo, I was angry at him for a week. So angry. He was trying to save my feelings or something lame like that... but it only made me feel like he lied to me (because he did). Luckily I don't stay angry for long. We became the best of friends again, but everything had to change. I couldn't visit him randomly to see how he was doing, we couldn't climb trees or walk in the gorge together anymore...I didn't even want to do homework with him alone. It sucked, and it killed me inside to have to consciously spend less time with him. It seems every time I like a boy, they decide they like another girl more. Always.

Anyway, because of those reasons and a couple other ones, my little happy bubble was popped within the first three weeks of school. Classes were harder. Friendships had changed. Other than the two I had mentioned, a couple more relationships had popped up over the summer and in the first few months of school, so I had some other friends who I couldn't see as often anymore because they were spending time with their honeys. I felt stressed out, alone, and sad. I wanted to go back to last year. And I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting a honey of my own. For the first time ever, in November, I actually WANTED to get home for Thanksgiving break. Haha, oh how things had changed.

College is only new and exciting once, which is probably why the term "sophomore slump" came into practice. I expected things to be just like they were...and they weren't, go figure. We don't get stronger when everything is wonderful all the time, right? I have learned to rely on God when it seems He is my only friend, and I know I am loved. One of my favorite songs reminds me that WE are the broken, GOD is the healer. I am not perfect, nor are any of my friends. We are all learning and struggling together, and when things aren't perfect, I will never be alone, even though sometimes it feels that way. I have built up new friendships, and some have faded a little bit, which saddens me a little, but I have learned through each struggle and sadness I've encountered. And I am positive that next year will bring new changes and challenges just like this one. But this year, I'm expecting it ;-). I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, or so I'm told.

Here goes...

So, Megan tells me I have to get a blog of my own, and I have been fighting it off for the past few weeks. I mean, I gave up facebook for lent so that I would have more time to do other things...productive things...God things...sleep things...homework things, not so that I would have more time to write about my life for everyone to see. But the idea has grown on me, and here I sit. I suppose writing about things is a very good outlet. In high school I wrote poems when something was bothering me...haha. Yes, its very nerd-ish. But I did it, and it was grand :-)

It has been so long since I have done that, and I really miss writing. I don't get the chance to write very often. I mean, I am a mechanical engineering major... my teachers make me do calculus, not write papers. I think, since I've gone to college, I have written 9 papers. That is about as many as I wrote in my first 9 weeks in Mr. Lane's honors English class in 9th grade. The transition is weird, I went from writing practically a paper every week for four years to 9 total papers in 2 years. Strange. And though writing was never my favorite thing to do (I was quite glad to get out of literary boot camp), it always provided a bit of a stress-reliever. If I was having a bad day, I'd write things that would reflect that, and the stress went away (once the paper was finished, of course). I miss it. Though I have been forced to find other ways to relieve stress (climbing trees, anyone?), writing is good, so I'm going to try to get back into it. *Try* being the key word in that sentence, school tends to take over my life, but the occasional outburst in blog form will be spewed here.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it :-). Have a great night all!